Ett brev om mobbning

Mina första tankar om mobbning.

När Anders och jag under en lunch i dag ( 4.8.2011 ) började spåna kring ett gemensamt framtida jobb kring mobbning, erbjöd jag mig att starta upp med mina högst personliga, men ändå psykologiskt grundade, tankar om vad mobbaren och den mobbade har upplevt innan det börjar, som de vuxna sedermera kommer att definiera som Mobbningen . Alltså deras resp uppväxt.

Mycket litet är skrivet i vetenskapens namn om dessas barndomar. Det beror, tror jag, inte bara på att det är ohyggligt svårt att spåra och få någon högre sanningshalt i saken utan det hänger även samman med händelsernas natur. Risken är stor att t o m den som forskar i sakerna, själv bär på upplevelser av liknande natur och därmed lever med stor risk att ha skaffat för bra skygglappar för sanningen. Ingen har levt en ”perfekt” barndom.

Man vet att självkänsla är ett bra vapen mot att låta sig bli mobbad. Som ordet säger handlar det om ”att känna sig själv”…på gott och ont. Det andra ordet man ofta använder i dessa sammanhang och stundom förväxlar med det första är självförtroende. Dvs ”att lita på sig själv”.

Kan man ha det ena utan att ha det andra ? Jag tror att om man känner sig själv så följer självförtroendet med nära nog på köpet men inte omvänt. Jag kan ha ett enormt självförtroende vad gäller vissa saker men känna mig handfallen inför andra därför jag har ”blinda fläckar” i min självkännedom. Till de mest extrema exemplen på detta hör t ex massmördaren i Norge. Även artister i världsklass kan när de står på scenen/idrottsbanan lysa av självförtroende men sjunka ihop till våta fläckar när rampljuset släcks. Där döljs en historia de inte riktigt kunnat närma sig och göra ofarlig och som därför spelar dem och deras fulla självförtroende stora spratt.

Min tanke är att, och den kan låta provocerande, den kommande mobbaren resp mobbade från början är två sidor av samma mynt…två barn som på något sätt blivit mobbade i hemmet, aktivt eller passivt.

Med aktivt menas då allt slags beteende ämnat att trycka ner och göra barnet mindre och sämre än vad det förtjänar. Fysiskt, psykiskt och sexuellt våld hör hit.

Med passivt menar jag i stort sett frånvaro av stöd från en vuxen. Den personen kan finnas i hemmet men vara psykiskt frånvarande av en mängd orsaker eller den kan även vara helt fysiskt frånvarande.

Frånvaro i sig räcker inte alltid utan den måste ibland på något vis utnyttjas av en annan person. T ex en moder som hotar barnet med en frånvarande pappa…”hade pappa varit här, då…”.

Vad som hänt barnet helt specifikt kan vi alltså i princip aldrig få veta men jag bygger mina teser på tanken att självkänslan i grunden är skadad…på något vis…och att självförtroendet då också många gånger inte hänger med i en sund utveckling.

Att t ex säga till ett barn som så att ”om du lyder mig, så får du godis” och sedan inte ger detta godis, skadar det i ett första skede förtroendet för den vuxna. Om det upprepas ofta och kanske i hundratals olika varianter och barnet samtidigt, som växande individ, ska identifiera sig med denna person, skadas både förtroendet till den vuxna och till det egna självet. Man lär sig antingen att man är en lögnhals eller tränger bort det skeva förhållandet och tror sig veta att man är en sjysst typ… men har alltså då skapat det jag kallade en ”blind fläck” i sin självkänsla. Man tror man vet vem man är utan att ha kontakt med otyget att ljuga.

Om det nu skulle stämma det jag gissar, att mobbaren och den mobbade gått igenom samma/liknande hårda uppväxt i hemmet, vad är det då som gör att den ena blir mobbare och den andre en mobbad ?

Om jag får vänta en stund med den jättefrågan och i stället berätta hur jag kan tänka som jag gör…utan att bli teoretisk.

Nånting måste med nödvändighet vara fel i hemmet när vare sig mobbare eller mobbad törs ta upp frågan där hemma redan efter de första tecknen på att eländet har börjat.

Att stämma i bäcken, säger ordspråket. Det innebär att om en kille eller tjej med sund självkänsla och ett gott självförtroende råkar ut för en orättvisa, går densamme hem och berättar om denna, för den vet att med föräldrarnas hjälp ska den få ett snabbt slut. Barnet litar alltså på de vuxna och att de till 100 % står på barnets sida.

Tvekar barnet så får man höra att ”det lönar sig inte att berätta” ( nonchalans ) eller t o m ”det blir bara värre” ( risk för stryk…hån ).

Mellan nonchalans ( passiv mobbning ) och stryk/hån ( aktiv mobbning ) är avståndet i upplevelsen stort och det är här jag tror vattendelaren går mellan framtida mobbad och mobbare.

Därmed har jag också sagt jag tror att mobbaren är ”värre” skadad än den mobbade. Att vänta på mera stryk efter att redan ha fått stryk är ett outsägligt svek och påhopp. Att bli bemött med tystnad och icke-handling är också tungt men jag tycker nog det är en skarp gradskillnad däremellan trots allt.

Det av föräldrarna slagna/hånade barnet har bara mobbandet att ta till som försvar mot ett psykiskt sammanbrott och det av föräldern nonchalerade barnet kan bara nonchalera det den utsätts för. Två rätt lika barndomar delas upp i aktivitet ( att bli en mobbare ) och passivitet ( att låta sig mobbas ).

Som sagt det här är ingen Sanning naturligtvis utan mina tankar här och nu. Kommer annat fram under vår ev resas gång kan detta inte användas utan redigering.

Gunnar

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55 kommentarer till Ett brev om mobbning

  1. kerstin skriver:

    jag tycker dina tankar är intressanta om mobbing, det enda jag egentligen hakar upp mig på är ”att låta sig mobbas”, men jag tror jag förstår hur du menar. någonstans är det väl så att man ”tillåter” sin omgivning till det den gör…lite… it takes two to tango…

    och det om självkänsla och självförtroende, där tror jag du har alldeles rätt.

    tack för intressanta tankar
    k

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